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Text File | 1993-03-02 | 56.4 KB | 2,020 lines | [TEXT/MPS ]

Newton said, "If I have seen further it is because I have stood on the shoulders of great men." In computing, we mostly stand on each other's feet. [Richard Hamming] ~ We have met the enemy and he is us. [Pogo] ~ expect t h e unexpected ~ Love'll getcha through times with no money, Better than Money can getcha through times with no love. [the Girls Next Door] ~ 2.8 Megahertz is better than none! [AppleIIgs] ~ Every family tree has some sap. [Rayne Water] ~ I feel funky. [GhostBusters] ~ Real programmers aren't user friendly! [Ron Carlton] ~ What will we do today? Dazzle 'em with Dexterity, or Baffle 'em with Bullshit? ~ Love is a danger of a different kind, to take you far away and leave you far behind.. And love (love love) is a dangerous drug, you have to receive it and you still can't get enough of the stuff.. [The Eurythmics] ~ If this message pops up on Friday, you'll have to go get some sushi and sak'e for lunch! ~ (Love..) It's gilt edged, glamourous and sleek by design You know it's jealous by nature, false and unkind It's hard and restrained and it's totally cool It touches and it teases, as you stumble in the debris [The Eurythmics] ~ Think real hard before doing anything at all today.. ~ Roses are red. Violets are blue. Sugar is a ketonic or aldehydic derivative of the higher alcohols, And how are you? [anonymous] ~ Eschew Obfuscation [anon] ~ Out out, damned spot! [Lady MacBeth] ~ Twas brillig, and the slithey toves, Did gyre and gimble in the wabe, All mimsey were the borogroves, And the mome raths outgrabe. [L. Carroll] ~ How's the life babe? Totally! Let's get down & do some radical code slingin'! [Southern California Computer] ~ You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.. [The Eagles] ~ Never venture off on a lark, To hunt with sword the Dreadful Snark, For you will find beyond the dark, Yourself inside the Dreadful Snark! [esp] ~ Candy is dandy, but Liquor is quicker. [O. Nash] ~ Strawberry Fields forever.. [The Beatles] ~ How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Why a woodchuck could chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood! [Old Tongue-Twister] ~ Yesterday was pretty good, Today will be different! [esp] ~ 90% of the world's population are fools; and the rest of us are in serious danger of contamination! ~ A breast in the hand is worth two on the chest! [name withheld] ~ You can spend all your love makin' money, You can spend all your money makin' time. [The Eagles] ~ If you can keep your head when others about you are losing theirs, perhaps you don't understand the gravity of the situation. [?] ~ Today should be a very intriguing day.. [esp] ~ Love is like oxygen. You get too much, you get too high.. Not enough and you're gonna die. [rock lyrics] ~ If you want to have a friend, be one. [?] ~ No man is so consistently wrong as he who cannot bear to be thought so. [FJU] ~ W H A T ? ~ C:\> oops.. wrong prompt! [clone] ~ !krow t'nod segassem lanimilbus cinataS ..meht reficed ot emit eht dneps lliw ydoboN [God] ~ No! No! Not the Comfy chair! [Monty Python] ~ All that is necessary for evil to succeed Is for good men to do nothing. [Edmund Burk] ~ (25.3*ff2) + C x(2)= --------------- i3 + (j-2)^2.17 Oh, sorry! I was just thinking out loud.. [C.P.U.] ~ AGE is a very high price to pay for MATURITY! [Rayne Water] ~ Singin' in the rain, Just singin' in the rain, What a wonderful feelin', I'm happy again.. [Clockwork Orange] ~ Programmer's Cheer: Shift to the left Shift to the right Pop up Push down Byte Byte Byte! [anon] ~ Are we not die Supermen, Ya we ist die Supermen.. Super Duper Supermen! [Spike Jones] ~ There'll be a hot time in the old town tonight. [Nero] ~ Well Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore. [Wizard of Oz] ~ Make tracks, but don't go so fast as to derail your train of thought. [esp] ~ This is a test of your Emotional Breakdown System.. for the next 60 years I will be conducting a test of your Emotional Breakdown System. You will not be told who to turn to in your area for more help. This is only a test.. [esp-marriage?] ~ \ / \__)_ \/ * * /|\ (00) Various Program Bugs V / | \ / \/ \ ~ Humor is the saving grace of the human race. [esp] ~ Scram! Gravy ain't wavy. [Smokey Stover] ~ Deja vu.. It's the next best thing to being there. [esp] ~ Did you ever consider going into another line of work? ~ Life is what happens to you when you are planning other things.. [Bumper Sticker] ~ Wow! It's bigger than my brain! [Luke Skywalker encounters DeathStar] ~ When in trouble or in doubt, Run in circles, scream and shout. [Burma Shave] ~ Aaaaaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiiooooooooooo! [the Wicked Witch of the West melting from a bucket of vowels] ~ If you gotta have somethin' to get somethin', How you get to first base is a mystery to me. [Ray Charles] ~ A comment a day keeps the bugs away! [esp] ~ I can can-can, can you? [Toulouse Latrec] ~ There's no place like home, there's no place like home! [Dorothy] ~ There was a young lady named Bright, Whose speed was far faster than light. She set out one day In a relative way, And returned home the previous night. ~ A.A.A.A.A.- An organization for drunks who drive. ~ Accuracy, n. The vice of being right ~ ADA, n. Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in Computing. Useful in sentences like, “We had better develop an ADA awareness.” ~ Antonym, n. The opposite of the word you’re trying to think of. ~ Armadillo - To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle. ~ Basic, n. A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in that those who have it will not admit it in polite company. ~ Bit, n. The quantum of misinformation. ~ Character Density, n. The number of very weird people in the office. ~ Cold, adj. When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions. ~ Commitment, n. Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. The chicken was involved, the pig was committed. ~ Corrupt, adj. In politics, holding an office of trust or profit. ~ Fairy Tale, n. A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers. ~ Hardware, n. The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. ~ Information Center, n. A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is to tell you why you cannot have the information you require. ~ Justice, n. A decision in your favor. ~ Meeting, n. An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or department not represented in the room must solve a problem. ~ Millihelen, adj. The amount of beauty required to launch one ship. ~ Omnibiblious, adj. Indifferent to type of drink. “Oh, you can get me anything. I’m omnibiblious.” ~ On-line, adj. The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer. ~ Oregon, n. Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday night. ~ Peace, n. In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting. ~ Portable, adj. Survives system reboot. ~ Quality Control, n. The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 units works. ~ Senate, n. A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and misdemeanors. ~ A chubby man in a red suit and a white beard will approach you soon. Avoid him. He's a commie. ~ Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change. ~ Be free and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better, so get used to it. ~ Do not drink coffee in early AM. It will keep you awake until noon. ~ Don’t get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out. ~ Don’t hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon. ~ Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can. ~ Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase. ~ Good day to let down old friends who need help. ~ Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day. ~ He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks. - Chinese Proverb ~ Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought. ~ Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self. ~ Only the brave deserve the fair, but only rich, fat, cowardly merchants can afford same. [Chinese Proverb] ~ Show respect for age. Drink a good scotch for a change. ~ Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers. ~ Surprise your boss. Get to work on time. ~ Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way. ~ Think big. Pollute the Mississippi. ~ This will be a memorable month, no matter how hard you try to forget it. ~ You attempt things that you do not even plan because of your extreme stupidity. ~ You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers. ~ You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You’ll learn a lot today. ~ You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled. ~ You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old. ~ You will be recognized soon. Hide. ~ You will be surprised by a loud noise. ~ You analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a word he says. ~ Your lucky color has faded. ~ You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture. ~ There are two kinds of lawyers, those that know the law and those that know the judge. ~ A drug is a substance which, when injected into a rat, will produce a scientific report. ~ “We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat’s next-to-last theorem.” [Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982] ~ Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else. ~ Many are cold, but few are frozen. ~ It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost. ~ We learn from history that we do not learn anything from history. ~ A man who turns green has eschewed protein. ~ Those who can, do; those who can’t, simulate. ~ In this world, truth can wait; she’s used to it. ~ A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction. ~ Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level. ~ What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it. ~ To iterate is human, to recurse, divine. ~ You cannot kill time without injuring eternity. ~ A king’s castle is his home. ~ Many are called, few volunteer. ~ Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery? ~ Today is the last day of your life so far. ~ Do not clog intellect’s sluices With bits of knowledge of questionable uses. ~ Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust. ~ The world is coming to an end... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!! ~ What happens when you cut back the jungle? It recedes. ~ Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday. ~ Mistakes are oft the stepping stones to failure. ~ All that glitters has a high refractive index. ~ I am a computer. I am dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator. ~ Long computations which yield 0 (zero) are probably all for naught. ~ A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn. ~ Every silver lining has a cloud around it. ~ After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn. ~ You can never trust a woman; she may be true to you. ~ Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn’t help either. ~ Sex, Drugs, and HyperCard! ~ Waste not, get your budget cut next year. ~ If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger hands. ~ Blessed are they that run around in circles, for they shall be known as wheels. ~ Time is nature’s way of making sure that everything doesn’t happen all at once. ~ The man who raises his voice first has lost the argument. ~ You shouldn’t try to teach a pig to sing. You waste your time and it annoys the pig. ~ He who hesitates is miles away from the next freeway exit. ~ Quantity is no substitute for quality, but it’s the only one we’ve got. ~ The more things change, the more they’ll never be the same again. ~ Those who can, do. Those who can’t, teach. Those who can’t teach, administrate. ~ It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open one’s mouth and remove all doubt. ~ The proof is left to the student as a pudding. The student is in the pudding as an exercise. The exercise is proof of the student. ~ I would rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy. ~ Girls don’t give hugs if your code has bugs. ~ Never argue with a fool. Others may not be able to tell the difference. ~ If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. ~ Anything that isn’t nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose isn’t nailed down. ~ The probability of the bread falling jelly-side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet. ~ The person who can smile when something goes wrong has obviously thought of someone to blame it on. ~ The difference between capitalism and socialism is that in capitalism, man exploits man, while in socialism it’s the other way around. [Polish Proverb] ~ Subtlety is the art of saying what you think, and getting out of the way before it is understood. ~ To the systems programmers, the customers and users serve only as a test load. ~ Before they made you they broke the mold. ~ A whole hog is better than no hog at all. ~ Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows. ~ Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. ~ If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate. ~ Illinois isn’t exactly the land that God forgot -- it’s more like the land He’s trying to ignore. ~ Everyone talks about apathy, but no one does anything about it. ~ The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language. ~ Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? ~ BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts ...) ~ A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she’d look stout in a fur coat. ~ Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you. ~ Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code. ~ Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move. ~ The cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity. ~ Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow. ~ Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must be good because the programmers hate it so much. ~ It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one. ~ Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. ~ For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a cat. ~ Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones. ~ For perfect happiness, remember two things: (1) Be content with what you’ve got. (2) Be sure you’ve got plenty. ~ Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to anger. ~ Entropy isn’t what it used to be. ~ The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy. ~ When all other means of communication fail, try words. ~ Polymer physicists are into chains. ~ Don’t worry about avoiding temptation — as you grow older, it starts avoiding you. [The Old Farmer’s Almanac] ~ Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it’s not cockroaches. ~ Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate and captain of your soul. ~ If you make people think they’re thinking, they’ll love you; but if you really make them think they’ll hate you. ~ Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you from enjoying it. ~ A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from the warehouse. Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a round tuit now has no excuse for further procrastination. ~ Is your program running? You’d better go catch it! ~ Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody’s ego. ~ The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage. ~ All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism. ~ Garbage In -- Gospel Out. ~ Sauron is alive in Argentina! ~ In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled waffles. ~ Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else. ~ It is better never to have been born. But who among us has such luck? One in a million, perhaps. ~ Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad. ~ All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance. ~ The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at least until we’ve finished building it. ~ Life is like a simile. ~ By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task completely overwhelm you. ~ A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems. ~ A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. ~ Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off of the TV screen. ~ Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to sell it. ~ You buttered your bread, now lie in it. ~ ... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror, and you would not have been informed. ~ If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was yesterday? ~ If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation. ~ Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned without a receipt. ~ “Virtual” means never knowing where your next byte is coming from. ~ If everything is coming your way then you’re in the wrong lane. ~ A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn’t look like an elephant. ~ Cleanliness is next to impossible. ~ People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first. ~ Mother told me to be good, but she’s been wrong before. ~ Life is like an analogy. ~ F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm! ~ F u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng. ~ Life is like a buffet; it’s not good but there’s plenty of it. ~ How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers. ~ I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that it took seven others to beat him! ~ If money can’t buy happiness, I guess you’ll just have to rent it. ~ Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient. ~ Hard work may not kill you, but why take chances? ~ Predestination was doomed from the start. ~ Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. ~ Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them? ~ Expect the worst, it’s the least you can do. ~ Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword. ~ It is very difficult to prophesy, especially when it pertains to the future. ~ Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell you, “There’s a time for work and a time for play,” never find the time for play? ~ Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery. ~ If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn’t a horse. ~ What color is a chameleon on a mirror? ~ God is real, unless declared integer. ~ It’s lucky you’re going so slowly, because you’re going in the wrong direction. ~ One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him. ~ AMAZING BUT TRUE ... There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert. ~ AMAZING BUT TRUE ... If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful. ~ We have only 2 things to worry about: That things will never get back to normal, and that they already have. ~ Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation. ~ No problem is so formidable that you can’t just walk away from it. ~ The devil finds work for idle circuits to do. ~ It’s always darkest just before it gets pitch black. ~ Always try to do things in chronological order; it’s less confusing that way. ~ As Zeus said to Narcissus, “Watch yourself.” ~ Resisting temptation is easier when you think you’ll probably get another chance later on. ~ VMS is like a nightmare about RSX-11M. ~ Test-tube babies shouldn’t throw stones. ~ One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a new model. ~ APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of the future for the problems of the past: it creates a new generation of coding bums. ~ There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes. ~ If this is timesharing, give me my share right now. ~ Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes. ~ You can make it illegal, but you can’t make it unpopular. ~ A language that doesn’t affect the way you think about programming is not worth knowing. ~ Matrimony isn’t a word, it’s a sentence. ~ Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong. ~ Got Mole problems? Call Avogardo 6.02 x 10^23 ~ Politics is like coaching a football team. You have to be smart enough to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest. ~ Save energy: be apathetic. ~ If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from? ~ All extremists should be taken out and shot. ~ An American is a person who isn’t afraid to criticize the President but is always polite to traffic cops. ~ As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 programs; a process that traditionally requires some debugging. [USA Today, referring to the IRS switchover to a new computer system.] ~ Help fight continental drift. ~ Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. ~ Ask not for whom the <CONTROL-G> tolls. ~ Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun. ~ To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it? ~ If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t there more happy people? ~ Pushing 40 is exercise enough. ~ To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System. ~ Re graphics: A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately described with pictures. ~ While money doesn’t buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position. ~ Laetrile is the pits ~ God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man. ~ A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it. ~ Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves. ~ A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have enlightened him with ours. ~ Bell Labs UNIX -- Reach out and grep someone. ~ A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of nothing. ~ Don’t hit a man when he’s down -- kick him; it’s easier. ~ They also surf who only stand on waves. ~ Every 4 seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this woman and stop her. ~ It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit. ~ Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don’t, why you should. ~ Down with categorical imperative! ~ Ask Not for whom the Bell Tolls, and You will Pay only the Station-to-Station rate. ~ Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur. (Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.) ~ Error in operator: add beer ~ The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe. ~ Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt. ~ A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no responsibility at the other. ~ Disk space -- the final frontier! ~ Love your enemies: they’ll go crazy trying to figure out what you’re up to. ~ There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing. ~ A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward. ~ Play Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill them. ~ And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode. ~ It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. ~ Don’t let people drive you crazy when you know it’s within walking distance. ~ When Marriage is Outlawed, Only Outlaws will have Inlaws. ~ War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ketchup is a vegetable. ~ You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You’re not paid enough to worry. ~ Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades. ~ Don’t get even -- get odd! ~ Help stamp out and abolish redundancy. ~ Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three lefts do. ~ Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the Boss is reading it. ~ Heisenberg may have slept here. ~ Don’t look back, the lemmings are gaining on you. ~ You know you’ve been spending too much time on the computer when your friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a “++” to fix it. ~ Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it is fun trying. ~ Absence makes the heart go wander. ~ Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn’t work. ~ To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy. ~ Ask your boss to reconsider - it’s so difficult to take “Go to hell” for an answer. ~ Real Programmers don’t write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who can’t decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN. ~ Real programmers disdain structured programming. Structured programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet-trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise clear desks. ~ Real programmers don’t draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the illiterate’s form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much good it did them. ~ Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware has limitations, software doesn’t. It’s a real shame that Turing machines are so poor at I/O. ~ Real programmers don’t comment their code. It was hard to write, it should be hard to understand. ~ Real Users know your home telephone number. ~ Real programmers don’t write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who wear white socks. ~ Real computer scientists don’t comment their code. The identifiers are so long they can’t afford the disk space. ~ Real software engineers don’t debug programs, they verify correctness. This process doesn’t necessarily involve execution of anything on a computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package. ~ Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your program doesn’t deliver it. ~ One incompetent manager can negate the work of dozens of excellent engineers. ~ This place is a hotbed of inertia. ~ Just because something is scientifically true, doesn’t mean it’s not weird. ~ The next system crash is just a 1/60 of a second away. ~ To be is to do. -- Camus To do is to be. -- Sartre Do be do be do -- Sinatra ~ To be is to do. -- I. Kant To do is to be. -- A. Sartre Yabba-Dabba-Doo! -- F. Flintstone ~ May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a Thousand Caramels. ~ Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer. ~ Where there’s a will, there’s an inheritance tax. ~ Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A. ~ Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society. ~ A day for firm decisions!!! -- Or is it? ~ UFO’s are for real; the Air Force doesn’t exist. ~ The way to make a small fortune in the stock market is to start with a large fortune. ~ The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing more important to do. ~ There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about. ~ Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift. ~ Printer paper is strongest at the perforations. ~ How come wrong numbers are never busy? ~ Murphy’s law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn’t work. ~ How sharper than a hound’s tooth it is to have a thankless serpent. ~ When you are in it up to your ears keep your mouth shut. ~ The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This means that only left-handed people are in their right mind. ~ A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. ~ A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring. ~ It has been proven impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious. ~ What the hell, put all your eggs in one basket. ~ All wrong numbers are the same person. ~ How do they get Teflon to stick to the pan? ~ Bruce Willis' Physics Question: A Thermos keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. How do it know? ~ Coito ergo sum. ~ Keep your eye on the ball your shoulder to the wheel, your nose to the grind-stone, your feet on the ground, your head on your shoulders, now, try and get something done! ~ An abstainer is a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself pleasure. ~ The goal of Science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of Nature is to build better mice. ~ The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up. ~ If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers? ~ Those who cannot write, write manuals. ~ Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him. ~ The brain is a wonderful instrument; it starts working the moment you get up and doesn't stop until you get to work. ~ According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless. ~ Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders has been discontinued. ~ Dyslexics, Untie! ~ Separatists, Unite! ~ Personifiers, Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity! ~ Individualists, Unite! ~ Give your child mental blocks for Christmas. ~ A closed mouth gathers no foot. ~ Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down. ~ The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier. ~ Q: Why don’t sharks eat lawyers? A: Professional courtesy. ~ Q: How was Thomas J. Watson buried? A: Face down, 9-edge in. ~ Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road? A: Because it was on the other side. ~ Q: What’s the difference between a rooster and a lawyer ? A: A rooster clucks defiance, a lawyer ....... ~ Q: What’s purple and commutes? A: An abelian grape! ~ Q: How many IBM CPU’s does it take to execute a job? A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off. ~ Q: How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. It’s a hardware problem. ~ Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience. ~ Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Five. One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience. ~ Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change. ~ Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done. ~ Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. (Hint: They are small enough to fit inside). ~ Q: How many yuppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Silly, yuppies don't screw in a lightbulb, they screw in a hot tub. ~ Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None: the lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution. ~ Q: How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in. ~ Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. ~ Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to dial one of their subordinates to actually change it. ~ Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: How many can you afford? ~ Any excuse will serve a tyrant. - Aesop ~ Don’t worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you’ll have to ram them down people’s throats. - Howard Aiken ~ Committee, n. A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done. - Fred Allen ~ The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God’s mind - a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you’ve just made a down payment on a house. - Woody Allen ~ Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends. - Woody Allen ~ Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. - Woody Allen ~ I don’t want to be immortal through my works; I want to be immortal through not dying. - Woody Allen ~ More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly. - Woody Allen ~ It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one’s hat keeps blowing off. - Woody Allen ~ If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. - Woody Allen ~ What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. - Woody Allen ~ Shake and shake The catsup bottle, None will come, And then a lot’ll. - Richard Armour ~ Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock. - John Barrymore ~ Happiness, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another. - Ambrose Bierce ~ Defame, v.t. To lie about another. To tell the truth about another. - Ambrose Bierce ~ Distress, n. A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend. - Ambrose Bierce ~ Discussion, n. A method of confirming others in their errors. - Ambrose Bierce ~ Disobey, v.t. To celebrate with an appropriate ceremony the maturity of a command. - Ambrose Bierce ~ Consult, v.t. To seek another’s approval of a course already decided upon. - Ambrose Bierce ~ Bigot, n. One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain. - Ambrose Bierce ~ Applause, n. The echo of a platitude. - Ambrose Bierce ~ Appeal, vt. In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw. - Ambrose Bierce ~ Self-esteem, n. An erroneous appraisement. - Ambrose Bierce ~ Liar, n. A lawyer with a roving commission. - Ambrose Bierce ~ Lawyer, n. One skilled in the circumvention of the law. - Ambrose Bierce ~ Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.. - Ambrose Bierce ~ Corporation, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility. - Ambrose Bierce ~ Conservative, n. A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others. - Ambrose Bierce ~ Cynic, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. - Ambrose Bierce ~ Research is what I’m doing when I don’t know what I’m doing. - Wernher von Braun ~ The buffalo isn’t as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo. - Art Buchwald ~ All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income. - Samuel Butler ~ A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg. - Samuel Butler ~ The trouble with born-again Christians is that they are an even bigger pain the second time around. - Herb Caen ~ There is not any memory with less satisfaction than the memory of some temptation we resisted. - James Branch Cabell ~ The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true. - James Branch Cabell ~ Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions. - Henry N. Camp ~ For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. - Johnny Carson ~ My country right or wrong, is a thing no patriot would think of saying except in a desperate case. It is like saying, “My mother drunk or sober!” - G.K. Chesterton ~ The superior man is modest in his speech, but exceeds in his actions. - Confucius ~ The superior man understands what is right; the inferior man understands what will sell. - Confucius ~ The people may be made to follow a path of action, but they may not be made to understand it. - Confucius ~ Fine words and an insinuating appearance are seldom associated with true virtue. - Confucius ~ Rotten wood cannot be carved. - Confucius ~ The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization. - Alan Coult ~ If an animal does something, we call it instinct; if we do the same thing for the same reason, we call it intelligence. - Will Cuppy ~ I don’t like spinach, and I’m glad I don’t, because if I liked it I’d eat it, and I just hate it. - Clarence Darrow ~ When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it. - Clarence Darrow ~ Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn’t go away. - Philip K. Dick ~ There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics. - Benjamin Disraeli ~ If you’re not very clever you should be conciliatory. - Benjamin Disraeli ~ How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are 3.155 x 10^7, you won’t even try to remember it. On the other hand, who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a nano-century. - Tom Duff, Bell Labs ~ Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. - Albert Einstein ~ Physical concepts are free creations of the human mind, and are not, however it may seem, uniquely determined by the external world. - Albert Einstein ~ Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out, and such as are out wish to get in? -- Ralph Emerson ~ With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress. - Ransom K. Ferm ~ If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damn fool about it. - W.C. Fields ~ Never confuse motion for action. - Benjamin Franklin ~ Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down. - Robert Frost ~ A hypothetical paradox: What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial Stormtroopers, who can’t hit the broad side of a planet? - Tom Galloway ~ If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women you've got in the house. - Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" ~ You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a “realist,” he is preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing. - Sydney Harris ~ $100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at which time it will be worth absolutely nothing. - Robert A. Heinlein ~ There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to make is so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. - C. A. R. Hoare ~ Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them. - Ed Howe ~ Round numbers are always false. - Samuel Johnson ~ Originality is the art of concealing your source. - Franklin P. Jones ~ The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it. - Franklin P. Jones ~ Men seldom make passes at a girl who surpasses. - Franklin P. Jones ~ Experience enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. - Franklin P. Jones ~ Conscience: A small, still voice that makes minority reports. - Franklin P. Jones ~ Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they’re going to catch you in next. - Franklin P. Jones ~ You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance. - Franklin P. Jones ~ It’s the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which raises the fear that it may not be long before we’re paying somebody not to. - Franklin P. Jones ~ Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable. - John F. Kennedy ~ Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. - Fletcher Knebel ~ Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, opulence is when you have three, and paradise is when you have none. - Doug Larson ~ It may be those who do most, dream most. - Stephen Leacock ~ Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it. - Stephen Leacock ~ Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat - John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy 1981-1987 ~ Life is what happens while you are making other plans. - John Lennon ~ The assertion that “all men are created equal” was of no practical use in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the Declaration not for that, but for future use. - Abraham Lincoln ~ Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves. - Abraham Lincoln ~ There is nothing more difficult to take in hand, more perilous to conduct, or more uncertain in its success, than to take the lead in the introduction of a new order of things. - Niccolò Machiavelli ~ There is no other way of guarding oneself against flattery than by letting men understand that they will not offend you by speaking the truth; but when everyone can tell you the truth, you lose their respect. - Niccolò Machiavelli ~ I’m fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in. - George McGovern ~ It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics or chemistry. - H.L. Mencken ~ Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking. - H.L. Mencken ~ Jury: A group of twelve men who, having lied to the judge about their hearing, health, and business engagements, have failed to fool him. - H.L. Mencken ~ The men the American people admire most extravagantly are the most daring liars; the men they detest most violently are those who try to tell them the truth. - H.L. Mencken ~ There are some politicians who, if their constituents were cannibals, would promise them missionaries for dinner. - H.L. Mencken ~ A gentleman is one who never strikes a woman without provocation. - H.L. Mencken ~ For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong. - H. L. Mencken ~ Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman. - Dave Millman ~ Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy would turn up by the last quarter. Well, I’m down to mine and it hasn’t. - Robert Orben ~ You can measure a programmer’s perspective by noting his attitude on the continuing viability of FORTRAN. - Alan Perlis ~ Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining. - Jeff Raskin ~ Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund. - F. J. Raymond ~ Why should we subsidize intellectual curiosity? - Ronald Reagan ~ If you’ve seen one redwood, you’ve seen them all. - Ronald Reagan ~ This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer. - Will Rogers ~ I belong to no organized political party - I am a Democrat. - Will Rogers ~ All science is either physics or stamp collecting. - E. Rutherford ~ Those who cannot remember the past are doomed to repeat it. - George Santayana ~ Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, because the stakes are so low. - Wallace Sayre ~ Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia. - Charles Schulz ~ The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon. - Charles Schulz ~ If you want divine justice, die. - Nick Seldon ~ The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose. - William Shakespeare ~ A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul. - George Bernard Shaw ~ Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it. - George Bernard Shaw ~ The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it. - George Bernard Shaw ~ Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all other countries because you were born in it. - George Bernard Shaw ~ Englishman: A creature who thinks he is being virtuous when he is only being uncomfortable. - George Bernard Shaw ~ There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who doesn’t object to it. - George Bernard Shaw ~ A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern. - Edgar A. Shoaff ~ C, n. A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like assembly except that it isn’t very much like either one, or anything else. It is either the best language available to the art today, or it isn’t. - Ray Simard ~ Goto, n. A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers to complain about unstructured programmers. - Ray Simard ~ A sine-wave goes off into infinity, or at least the end of the blackboard. - Prof. Steiner ~ The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from. - Andrew S. Tanenbaum ~ Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists? - Kelvin Throop III ~ Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was, that they escaped teething. - Mark Twain ~ Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. - Mark Twain ~ Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry. - Mark Twain ~ The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money. - Mark Twain ~ Consider well the proportions of things. It is better to be a young June-bug than an old bird of paradise. - Mark Twain ~ It is easy to find fault, if one has that disposition. There was once a man who, not being able to find any other fault with his coal, complained that there were too many prehistoric toads in it. - Mark Twain ~ When angry, count four; when very angry, swear. - Mark Twain ~ When I reflect upon the number of disagreeable people who I know have gone to a better world, I am moved to lead a different life. - Mark Twain ~ Nothing so needs reforming as other people’s habits. - Mark Twain ~ Behold, the fool saith, “Put not all thine eggs in the one basket” - which is but a manner of saying, “Scatter your money and your attention”; but the wise man saith, “Put all of your eggs in the one basket and - WATCH THAT BASKET.” - Mark Twain ~ If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. - Mark Twain ~ We know all about the habits of the ant, we know all about the habits of the bee, but we know nothing at all about the habits of the oyster. It seems almost certain that we have been choosing the wrong time for studying the oyster. - Mark Twain ~ Even popularity can be overdone. In Rome, along at first, you are full of regrets that Michelangelo died; but by and by you only regret that you didn’t see him do it. - Mark Twain ~ Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. - Mark Twain ~ It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion that makes horse-races. - Mark Twain ~ It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. - Mark Twain ~ Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. - Mark Twain ~ Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed. - Mark Twain ~ Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. - Mark Twain ~ When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old. - Mark Twain ~ Be virtuous and you will be eccentric. - Mark Twain ~ Loyalty to a petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul. - Mark Twain ~ Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. - Mark Twain ~ I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places. - Mark Twain ~ In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language. - Mark Twain ~ Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. - Mark Twain ~ A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. - Mark Twain ~ Substitute “damn” every time you’re inclined to write “very”; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. - Mark Twain ~ The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful. - Mark Twain. ~ Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. - Voltaire ~ It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue. - Voltaire ~ A physicist is an atom’s way of knowing about atoms. - George Wald ~ A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many bad measures. - Daniel Webster ~ Be obscure clearly. - E.B. White ~ If I traveled to the end of the rainbow As Dame Fortune did intend, Murphy would be there to tell me The pot’s at the other end. - Bert Whitney ~ To lose one parent...may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness. - Oscar Wilde ~ A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies. - Oscar Wilde ~ Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much. - Oscar Wilde ~ Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter. He’ll come in handy if you run out of food. - Dean McLaughlin. ~ Diogenes was asked what wine he liked best; and he answered as I would have done when he said: “Somebody else’s.” - Michel de Montaigne ~ Everything you know is wrong! - Firesign Theater ~ I don’t know if God exists, but it would be better for His reputation if He didn’t. - Jules Renard ~ There are not enough jails, not enough policemen, not enough courts to enforce a law not supported by the people. - Hubert H. Humphrey ~ To some lawyers, all facts are created equal. - Felix Frankfurter ~ Behind the phony tinsel of Hollywood lies the real tinsel. - Oscar Levant ~ A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. - William James ~ A good catchword can obscure analysis for fifty years. - Wendell L. Willkie ~ Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is good for dandruff. - Peter de Vries ~ It is surely harmful to souls to make it a heresy to believe what is proved. - Galileo Galilei ~ Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. - Groucho Marx ~ It requires a very unusual mind to make an analysis of the obvious. - Alfred North Whitehead ~ The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant - and let the air out of the tires. - Dorothy Parker ~ Nothing would please the Kremlin more than to have the people of this country choose a second-rate president. - Richard M. Nixon ~ The tragic lesson of guilty men walking free in this country has not been lost on the criminal community. - Richard M. Nixon ~ The dictum that truth always triumphs over persecution is one of those pleasant falsehoods which men repeat after one another till they pass into commonplace, but which all experience refutes. - John Stuart Mill ~ This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn’t. - Hofstadter ~ There is no stronger bond of friendship than a mutual enemy. - Frankfort Moore ~ If you can’t answer a man’s argument, all is not lost; you can still call him vile names. - Elbert Hubbard ~ Abstract Art: A product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered. - Al Capp ~ I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and 25 percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be true. - Harry Truman ~ The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread. - Anatole France ~ If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? - Art Hoppe ~ If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee. - Graham Summer ~ Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. - Redd Foxx ~ Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation. - Johnny Hart ~ At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his thumb with a hammer. - Marshall Lumsden ~ Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless. - Sinclair Lewis ~ The notion of a “record” is an obsolete remnant of the days of the 80-column card. - Dennis M. Ritchie ~ A baby is God’s opinion that the world should go on. - Carl Sandburg ~ The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we’ll find their money. - Ed Bluestone ~ Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. - Don Marquis ~ If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination. - Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859) ~ Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of them keeps paying for it. - Peggy Joyce ~ The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding. - Justice Louis D. Brandeis ~ In America any boy may become president and I suppose it’s just one of the risks he takes. - Adlai Stevenson ~ It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it. - Steven Wright ~ You can’t have everything - where would you put it? - Steven Wright ~ Women - you can’t live with ’em, and you can’t shoot ’em. - Steven Wright ~ Everything is within walking distance, if you have enough time. - Steven Wright ~ When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving. - Steven Wright ~ Treason doth never prosper: what’s the reason? For if it prosper, none dare call it treason. - Sir John Harington ~ Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you. - Satchel Paige ~ Public office is the last refuge of the incompetent. - Boies Penrose ~ Since we have to speak well of the dead, let’s knock them while they’re alive. - John Sloan ~ Democracy is the worst system devised by the wit of man, except for all the others. - Winston Churchill ~ Diplomacy is the art of saying “Nice doggie!” till you can find a rock. - Wynn Catlin ~ Under current law, it is a crime for a private citizen to lie to a government official, but not for the government official to lie to the people. - Donald M. Fraser ~ Poets are born, not paid. - Wilson Mizner ~ Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes. - Henry David Thoreau ~ Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random numbers is, of course, in a state of sin. - John Von Neumann ~ Families, when a child is born Want it to be intelligent. I, through intelligence, Have wrecked my whole life. Only hope the baby will prove Ignorant and stupid. Then he will crown a tranquil life By becoming a cabinet minister. - Su Tung-P'o ~ Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. - Pablo Picasso ~